I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
