He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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