In the future we'll all be gay
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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