I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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