Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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