not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I want to fling myself into the sun
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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