Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
