I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
