i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
