he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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