Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
