i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
