we made out on top of his cat.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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