I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
