i jhust puked up my retainher.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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