If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
