After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
