Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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