My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
