Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
