My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
