i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
