dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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