had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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