Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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