He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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