last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
