my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
