i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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