i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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