That's intense
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
