bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
