i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
