Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
