we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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