ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
