genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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