There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
