Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
