I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
