Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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