Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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