she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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