It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
