Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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