k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
