then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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