Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
