She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
