What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
