Don't make out with my wife yet
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
barbara walters just said penis...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
